This is actually really difficult for me to write. I think I need to give some context about myself but, don’t worry, I will keep it brief.
My father was abusive to me and my family growing up. So since a child my goal was always get a degree, then a job and then get us away from him. As a consequence, all my decisions were made based on what would increase the likelihood of a job rather than what I enjoy. It was all about surviving. When I graduated I got a job with a well-known company, cleared the debt my father put on our names, and got us out. But that was just the start because we had nothing and no support. It wasn’t pleasant. I have since worked for many other employers and I am now ~30yo.
Here is where it gets difficult, my dream in life, despite being a Finance grad and not a CompSci grad, was to become a game developer. My only nice memories as a child are playing GBA games with my mother. But because of my father I have no safety net in my life, I can’t phone anyone for help if something goes wrong, I have no real savings. I cannot go without an income. I have never even left the UK in my entire life that is how tight money can be. So, I made learning to code my side hustle instead of my full time project and I got okay at it, never employable-good but I learned the basics… Unfortunately, it quickly became too much for me juggling that with my actual job and after a few years of trying to learn after work and on the weekends, it burnt me out. So I had to stop.
I have currently been diagnosed with depression. I tried seeing a therapist and his advice was I have great coping mechanisms but strike him as someone in a horrible situation trying to stay afloat and there wasn’t anything he could do for me (I am paraphrasing he was very kind about it).
I am currently looking for other jobs and have been for the past 6 months, I haven’t even had an interview. For financial reasons I am confined to my local area so opportunities are limited. I have even looked for part-time work – anything and everything. Thinking that if I maybe change employer, maybe that will be less depressing or it will give me back some personal time. But I have worked for many companies before and from my experience they are all the same. And besides, no job offers anyway.
And so here I am. It’s really difficult knowing what I want to do with my life but that in all likelihood because of former bullies in my life, I never will be able to. I am in a cycle that is just good enough for me to get by.
Anyone in the same boat? Or even better, anyone manage to get themselves out of a similar position?
Thanks for reading 🙂